Community Voices ⎸ Advance planning is one of the greatest gifts my dad ever gave me

I walked into a funeral home with my terminally ill father in January 2017. 

His oncologist recently told him there was nothing more they could do to treat the malignant tumor in his brain — glioblastoma. He had already been through brain surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. The next step, his oncologist said, was hospice care. 

I asked my dad if he wanted to lay out his wishes. The truth is I didn’t want the full weight of his death to fall on me and my brother. I thought if he could tell us what he wanted, it would make losing him a little less painful.

At first, he pushed back. None of us want to face our mortality. 

He changed his mind after a week or so. I set up an appointment at our local funeral home. 

He decided that he wanted to be cremated. He wanted a Catholic funeral at our church. He asked that I consult a favorite priest to see if he would officiate the service. The funeral home director drafted his obituary and sent it to me to review. 

Then we consulted an attorney. My dad had a will, but he didn’t want us to deal with probate court. The attorney helped us fill out a Transfer on Death Deed for the real estate my father owned. 

My dad also added us to his bank accounts, made sure we had passwords for his online accounts, and told us where we could find his will, life insurance, and other important documents. 

Much of the planning was done by early February. We spent the next few weeks at home with him.

He died in March 2017, nearly 18 months after his diagnosis. 

Losing him hurt so much – I don’t think any of the advance planning softened the blow.  

With hindsight though, I know it helped us handle the details. We didn’t have to wonder what he wanted: He told us himself, and we carried out his wishes.  

That’s one of the greatest gifts he ever gave us.

This column was edited by Nora Hertel.

Project Optimist's End-of-Life series is supported by a grant from the Morgan Family Foundation.